In My Dreams
by Saruvi
Summary: Hisoka and Tsuzuki's romantic relationship causes the empath's fears to take on a life of their own in his dreams. Can Hisoka face his fears before he falls apart?
1. Donuts And Dreams

**Disclaimer:** Yami no Matsuei and the characters Hisoka Kurosaki, Asato Tsuzuki, and other YnM characters are the property of Yoko Matsushita.

--

"Tsuzuki no! We've got work to do. Tatsumi is going to be mad if we don't finish these reports," Hisoka Kurosaki told his partner.

Hisoka was trying to fill out a report and the little chibified inu-Tsuzuki currently clinging to his leg wasn't helping him get his work done. The boy was getting annoyed. It had been a year and a half since Kyoto and the two shinigami had become closer, even venturing into a romantic relationship.

Though Hisoka was still shy about showing affection, he loved Tsuzuki. The boy was trying hard to get over his fears, but it was difficult sometimes to put his past behind him. Hisoka was grateful that Tsuzuki understood and was being patient with him.

"But, it's their fifty percent day off for chocolate donuts! Please Soka!" Tsuzuki whined.

Tsuzuki really wanted something sweet to eat and he wouldn't take too long if he teleported to Chijou to visit his favorite bakery. Unfortunately for him, his partner wasn't falling for his usual pleas.

"I already said you can't go, get to work," the emerald eyed boy told him, dropping his gaze back to the report he was filling out.

"Soka! I can't work on an empty stomach! Don't be so mean," Tsuzuki whined, tears filling his eyes.

Hisoka dropped his pen, looking down at his partner, he suddenly felt awful. He hated to see his partner whine and beg. And he knew that if Tsuzuki missed out on the discounted donuts, he would be in a sour mood for the rest of the day.  
He felt himself giving in.

"Fine, but you get back here in thirty minutes, or you won't only be facing me, I'll make sure to tell Tatsumi you went off for sweets," Hisoka told his partner.

"Sankyuu Soka-chan!" Tsuzuki stood up, no longer in chibi mode, and teleported just as Hisoka yelled "Don't call me that! Thirty minutes Tsuzuki! I mean it!

--

After Tsuzuki had left, Hisoka picked up his pen and started filling out the report again. He suddenly felt very tired and his head hurt. He wished he could go home and sleep, but they were behind on their reports. Tatsumi was beginning to get irritated with them. Normally, Hisoka completed both his and his partner's share of the paperwork, but lately, the boy had been so tired, he had gotten behind.

The words on the report started to blur and Hisoka put down his pen. He crossed his arms on top of his desk, laying his head on them. He felt so sleepy. He decided he could catch a quick nap until his partner returned. Closing his eyes, he opened them when he suddenly felt a cold breeze pass over him.

He found himself in an empty room. It's walls were almost transparent and he was sure they weren't completely solid. Walking over to one, he reached out a hand, only to have it pass right through. Mist, he thought. That accounted for the slight chill he was feeling.

"I was wondering when you'd show up bouya," a silky voice said from behind him.

He knew that voice, whirling around he came face to face with his murderer.

"Muraki! What are you doing here?" Hisoka hissed, his hands fisting at his sides.

"Aw, don't be so rude. I was just hopping in to say hello to my favorite toy," the doctor answered.

"I am not your toy!" the empath shouted at the man.

Muraki opened his mouth to reply, but was interrupted by someone shouting for Hisoka.

"Soka! I'm baaaack! Wake up!"

The boy watched as the dream room dissipated as his partner's voice echo'd in his ears. He opened his green eyes and looked up at the other man.

"You get your donuts?" the boy asked.

"Aa, sankyuu for letting me go Soka," Tsuzuki said as he sat down and reached into the bag he was holding, pulling out a chocolate frosted donut.

Hisoka's eyes still felt heavy, but after seeing Muraki in his dream, he was reluctant to sleep. He got up from his chair and headed out of the office he shared with his partner. He came back a few minutes later with some coffee, he normally drank tea, but he hoped the coffee would wake him up.

Tsuzuki had finished all his donuts and was scribbling on a report. Hisoka would have been happy if he were actually filling out the paper, not drawing on it. Though he was used to his partner's laziness when it came to paperwork, having worked with the older shinigami for the past few years, he was still irritated.

They passed the rest of the day with Hisoka filling out the reports and Tsuzuki doing everything he could to occupy himself that didn't include paperwork.

When the clock reached five p.m. Tsuzuki jumped up, grabbed his black trenchcoat and tugged on Hisoka's arm.

"Time to go home Soka! Want to get some dinner?" Tsuzuki asked the boy.

"Hai, but something quick alright? I don't want to be out too late since I'm feeling a little tired," Hisoka said as he shrugged on his jean jacket.

--

They teleported to Chijou. They found a table in a corner in their favorite Cafe and placed their orders. Hisoka kept yawning.

The waitress set their orders down infront of them.Tsuzuki practically inhaled his dinner, then dug into the piece of apple pie he had ordered. Hisoka ate a few bites, then put his chopsticks down. He really wasn't hungry. He just wanted to sleep. He yawned again.

Noticing his partner's lack of appetite, Tsuzuki asked, ""You feeling alright Soka?"

"Just tired. I haven't been getting enough sleep I guess," the empath answered, unsuccessfully trying to stifle a yawn.

Tsuzuki finished his pie, and they paid the check, teleporting back to Meifu. They stood outside Hisoka's apartment. The older man leaned in to place a soft kiss on the boy's lips. Hisoka felt himself started to pull away, but stopped himself when Tsuzuki's hands ran up and down his arms.

"Get some sleep Soka, I'll come by in the morning and we'll walk to work together," Tsuzuki said pulling away.

"Alright, see you in them morning," Hisoka replied, yawning as he opened the door to his apartment.

He stepped inside and locked it behind him. Taking off his jacket, he hung it up by the door. Kicking off his shoes, he barely made it to his bedroom. Flopping on the bed, he immediately fell asleep.


	2. Broken Toys Never Learn

Hisoka felt cold. Wrapping his arms around himself, he looked around. He was somewhere dark, but he noticed a light beaming ahead, so he walked in the direction it was coming from. It was so cold here. Reaching a doorway where the light was coming from, he went to push the door open, only to have it dissipate upon contact.

The room was surrounded by the same kind of misty walls he'd seen in his dream earlier that day. He knew that if he touched them, his hand would pass through them just like earlier. These dreams were unusual for Hisoka, he usually dreamed of fire and snakes or a blood red moon and dancing sakura petals.

He heard sobbing coming from somewhere in the room, so he looked around. He noticed a small figure crouched in a corner wearing a dirty yakata. The figure was crying over something broken on the floor infront of it. Hisoka walked over to the figure. It was a little boy of about six, he had golden brown hair and he was crying over a broken doll with green eyes and the same color hair as the boy.

Hisoka kneeled down in front of the little boy, placing a hand gently on the child's shoulder. The little boy lifted his head, and Hisoka found himself staring into huge emerald eyes so like his own.

"Who are you?" the child asked.

"Hisoka," the teen told him. He looked down, staring at the broken doll on the floor.

"I'm Hisoka. So you can't be him," the little boy replied, wiping his eyes.

The little boy picked up the doll and stood up. He cradled the doll in his arms as though it were a baby.

"He is my favorite toy, but he is broken now," the child told Hisoka. He smiled up at him, and Hisoka knew he was seeing himself when he was six years old.

"Well, didn't expect to see you again bouya," Hisoka heard the cold voice and shivered.

Whirling around, he stared at Muraki. The doctor gestured to the little boy with one of his hands and the child ran to him. Muraki placed his hands on the small boy's shoulders, turning him around to face Hisoka.

"Have you broken your doll child?" Muraki asked the little boy.

"It was my favorite toy. All favorite toys break when you play with them," the child answered. His green eyes glinted knowingly as he stared at Hisoka.

"Aa, I've broken my favorite toy as well," Muraki murmured, "You are very much like me."

"I am nothing like you! You're a sick, twisted psychopath!" Hisoka yelled.

He glared at the doctor. He went to walk over to the two of them, when Muraki raised a hand and waved it. Hisoka found himself flying backwards towards the wall of mist. Thinking he would just pass right through it, he was surprised to feel it solid behind his back. His arms were held out by wisps of fog. He struggled to get loose, but he couldn't get free.

"You never learn do you bouya? Perhaps I need to remind you of a few things," Muraki said, his lips forming a harsh line of pale flesh.

"Don't you dare touch me! If you touch me again, I'll make sure I kill you!" Hisoka shouted at him.

The child version of himself giggled, throwing the doll onto the floor. He ran around in a circle as if playing a game with himself, then he sat down as he watched Muraki advance towards Hisoka.

"You're in no position to make threats. Besides, I have him now," the doctor told him, gesturing towards the little version of the teen, "I have no desire for a toy I've already broken."

Hisoka glared. He opened his mouth to reply when he heard a small voice.

"Broken, broken, he's broken," the little boy chanted, "broken broken broken. Doctor, play with me!"

The little boy suddenly stood up and ran towards Muraki. Hisoka watched as the boy grabbed the doctor's hand and Muraki leaned down to pick him up.

"I'll play with you soon little one," Muraki told the little boy.

"You promise to play with me?" the child asked, wrapping his arms around the doctor's pale neck.

"I promise," the doctor said.

"Doctor, kiss me to promise," the child demanded.

Hisoka watched in shock as Muraki placed a kiss on the child's lips. Putting the little boy down, Hisoka watched as the child ran around the room, falling into a sitting position in a corner.

"You're sick. He's just a child," Hisoka sounded as though he wanted to throw up. And truthfully, he felt that way too.

"He's you. But I haven't broken him yet. Not like I've broken you. So he still entertains me," Muraki told him.

The teen watched as Muraki pulled something from his coat pocket. It glinted in the light of the room. Muraki reached out and grabbed Hisoka by his hair, placing a rough kiss on the boy's lips, he pressed something into Hisoka's abdomen. Hisoka screamed in pain as he felt the object tear through his flesh.

"Oh doctor, what have you done?" Hisoka heard the child giggle from his corner.

Hisoka choked, coughing. Blood splattered onto Muraki's white suit and dripped to the floor. The giggling turned into a buzzing sound as Muraki pulled the knife out of Hisoka's stomach.

The empath jolted up in his bed, gasping for breath. It was morning. His alarm was going off. Slamming the damn thing off, Hisoka looked down at himself. His shirt had blood on it and it was torn.

_What the hell_?! he thought.


	3. A Conversation With Myself

Hisoka was glad that it was Friday. It meant that he just had to get through that day and he'd be able to sleep the weekend away. He felt drained. Even though he'd slept all night, he felt as though he hadn't been to bed. He showered, got dressed and headed to the door when he heard a knock.

"Ohayo Soka," Tsuzuki greeted cheerfully.

"Ohayo Tsu," the boy mumbled.

"You ok, you look like you didn't get any sleep," his partner said as they began walking to the office.

"I slept. I must be coming down with something is all," he replied.

Hisoka didn't know why he didn't tell Tsuzuki about the dream he'd had. He knew that if he told his partner he was dreaming about Muraki again, the man would worry and want to stay with him. Hisoka didn't want to worry Tsuzuki, so he thought not telling him about the dream was the best idea.

The dream had been really strange. What was even stranger was the blood and tear on his shirt. When he'd woken up that morning he'd been shocked to see the blood on his shirt. He'd taken it off and checked his stomach, but there wasn't anything on it. No wound, no blood. Nothing. Not even a scar. He didn't know what to make of it. He'd just tossed the shirt into the trashcan and taken a shower to try to wake himself up. He'd also had two cups of coffee before Tsuzuki had knocked.

Even after the coffee, Hisoka still felt tired. Entering the Ju-Oh-Cho building, he followed Tsuzuki to the break room. Tsuzuki was surprised since the teen usually headed straight for their office to start on the paperwork. He was even more surprised when he watched Hisoka fill up a mug with coffee and not his usual tea. Hisoka just looked at him and walked out of the breakroom to their office.

They passed the time in the office trying to catch up on the paperwork, but for once it wasn't Tsuzuki that goofed off, it was Hisoka. Only he wasn't goofing off, he had his arms crossed on his desk and was napping with his head on them. Tsuzuki scribbled words on the report. He hated paperwork, but Hisoka seemed so tired. He figured he would do some of the work since the boy was always doing his share and he didn't want Tatsumi to yell at them.

--

As soon as the cold hit him, Hisoka knew he was back in the mist room of his dream from the night before. Muraki wasn't there. Though, that didn't mean he couldn't or wouldn't show up. The broken doll that belonged to his child self was still laying in the middle of the room. He turned around when he heard giggling from behind him.

The child version of himself was sitting on a stool in a corner of the room. His small hands were between his legs resting on the stool's seat and his feet were hooked into the legs of the stool. He was smiling. He tilted his head and stared at Hisoka.

"So, you came back? You can't have him you know. He doesn't want you," the little boy told him, his green eyes were filled with mirth and, Hisoka was sure, malice.

"Have who?" Hisoka asked.

"The doctor. He's mine. He loves me. And he will only ever play with me. I'm his favorite toy now. He told me he loves me more than anything, including you," the little boy grinned smugly.

"He doesn't love you. He is only going to hurt you," the empath answered.

"You're lying. He broke you, and now you're jealous. My doctor told me you're jealous. You can't be with the one who loves you. Not completely. But you can't have my doctor. He's mine," the child unhooked his legs from the stool and hopped off of it.

He walked over to the doll laying on the floor. He smiled, then kicked the doll.

"This is you. Broken. You will only ever be broken. No one can fix you. Not even him," the child said with a sneer.

To hear such harsh words coming from his younger version's mouth made Hisoka's heart hurt. Even if it were only a dream, those words weren't anything he hadn't already told himself. But to hear them vocalized, tore at him.

"You're only a child. What could you possibly know? He loves me," the teen shot back.

This statement seemed to displease the child and Hisoka could see in his green eyes that matched his own that the child would say everything to hurt his older self.

"You really believe he loves you? You can't even let him kiss you without wanting to run away. You're nothing like me. This is why my doctor loves me now and not you," the little boy laughed.

"I am getting better! I am trying! He understands I'm trying," Hisoka felt tears falling down his pale cheeks. He fell to his knees, his face in his hands.

He felt a small hand on his shoulder. He looked up to see the child kneeling beside him.

"My doctor could fix you. Maybe if you're nice and if you behave. He might decide he likes you again," the child said.

"No! I won't let that monster touch me! Not again," Hisoka yelled. The little boy was startled and he fell back, hitting his head on the floor.

"Itai," the child whined.

Pain shot through Hisoka's head and he woke up, tears on his face. He was in the office he shared with Tsuzuki. He looked up, noticing he was in the room alone.

Tsuzuki entered the office a few minutes later, munching on a pastry from the breakroom. Hisoka grabbed an unfinished report and started filling it out. He managed to finish four reports before it was time to go home for the weekend.

--

After leaving the office they walked to Hisoka's apartment. After his dream, Hisoka didn't feel like being alone, so he invited Tsuzuki in. The older man gladly accepted. He was sitting on the sofa while the teen was in the kitchen making tea. After putting sugar into Tsuzuki's, he walked into the living room and handed his partner his teacup.

"Sankyuu Soka," Tsuzuki said happily.

Hisoka sat down on the sofa next to Tsuzuki, they drank their tea in silence, placing the empty cups on the coffee table, Tsuzuki pulled the boy into his arms. Hisoka didn't resist. He had to admit he liked being in his partner's arms. He always felt safe. He breathed in the scent of the man, he smelled like jasmine and sugar.

"I love you Hisoka," Tsuzuki whispered, kissing the boy's neck.

"I-I love you too Tsu," Hisoka whispered back.

Tsuzuki lifted his head and pressed his lips to the teen's. Gently sliding his tongue along the boy's mouth seeking entry, he slipped his tongue inside it when the teen parted his lips. Hisoka moaned as the kiss deepened. Everything was fine until Hisoka felt Tsuzuki's hands under his shirt. He pulled away.

"Stop please," he cried.

Tsuzuki looked at the boy. His green eyes were teary and he looked ashamed. Tsuzuki knew Hisoka was afraid to go further. He was still afraid of the idea of intimacy. Only allowing hugs and sometimes kisses.

"Gomen, Soka, I shouldn't have pushed. You're not ready," the amethyst eyed man said.

"What if I'm never ready? What if I can't ever give you what you want?" Hisoka started to cry.

Tsuzuki pulled him into his arms. Hisoka didn't struggle, he just cried into the man's chest. The older shinigami gently caressed the teen's golden brown hair.

"Hisoka, it's alright. You're just scared. I understand. But it won't always be like this," Tsuzuki told him.

"How do you know? Why do you stay with me! I can't even let you take me to bed," the boy continued to cry.

"I stay with you because I love you. And taking you to bed isn't important. I won't lie and say I don't want to do that with you, cause I do, but I am not going to push you. If you're not ready, then you're not ready. Simple as that. I will still love you, even if you're never ready," Tsuzuki said gently.

Hisoka pulled away and looked at his partner. Tsuzuki lifted a hand and gently wiped away the tears with a finger.

"I love you Tsu, I love you so much," Hisoka whispered, burying his face in the man's chest again.

"Aa, I love you too Hisoka," his partner replied.

The two stayed on the sofa until Hisoka had exhausted his tears and they were beginning to fall asleep. Hisoka asked if Tsuzuki wanted to stay the night since it was so late. Despite the fact that all the man had to do was teleport to his own apartment, Hisoka still asked him to stay.

He even told him he could sleep next to him in his bed. He knew Tsuzuki wouldn't push him for anything that he wasn't ready for. When the man rolled over onto his side and wrapped his arms around him, the teen knew all Tsuzuki wanted to do was hold him. Hisoka cuddled closer, feeling warm and safe. Hisoka didn't dream about anything.


	4. Don't Sleep To Dream

Tsuzuki and Hisoka went out for breakfast on Saturday. Then hung out at Tsuzuki's place. Hisoka sat on a chair reading a book, though he was actually watching Tsuzuki tend to the little garden he had in the small backyard of his apartment. Even though Hisoka started to feel sleepy by dinnertime, he forced himself to stay awake so he could have dinner with his partner.

It had been a nice day, and when Tsuzuki offered to let Hisoka stay the night, the boy reluctantly refused. He wasn't ready to sleep in the same bed next to his partner more than occasionally. So, Tsuzuki kissed the boy after walking him home. Hisoka got ready for bed and mentally hoped he wouldn't dream that night. Too bad hope never paid attention to him.

The teenager groaned when he saw that he was back in the mist dream room. The child version of himself was sitting on a new addition to the room. A twin bed on the other side of the room. A sudden chill swept through the room as he heard a silky voice.

"I never knew you were such a masochist bouya. But you keep showing up here," Muraki said, amusement in his voice.

He walked through a wall of mist. Walking over to the bed, he bent down to pick up the child. The little boy wrapped his arms around the doctor's neck and squealed happily.

"What are you doing here! Why can't you just leave me alone?!" Hisoka nearly yelled.

"I told you. I have him now. Wherever he is, I am," Muraki said, whispering to the little boy in his arms. The child grinned and kissed Muraki softly on the lips. Muraki smiled.

"He's such an affectionate little thing. He is so obedient too," Muraki asked the little boy in his arms.

The little boy laughed, clinging to Muraki. The doctor leaned his head down to whisper into the boy's ear again, and the boy smiled and nodded. Muraki put the boy down onto the floor. Hisoka watched as the boy ran to the bed and sat down next to it.

Muraki walked over to Hisoka, he reached out and before the empath knew what was happening, he felt himself being thrown onto the bed.

The little child stared up at the older version of himself. He was smiling as he stood up and sat down next to Hisoka's head on the bed. Muraki leaned over Hisoka, grabbing his hands, he held them tightly by the wrists pinning them above the youth's head. The little child looked at Muraki, his head tilted to the side.

Hisoka started screaming when the doctor suddenly laid down on top of him, using one of his knees to spread the boy's legs.

"Get off me you bastard!" Hisoka yelled.

"Now now bouya, you know this isn't anything you haven't already done," Muraki snickered.

The empath almost choked as he felt Muraki press his lips to his and shove his tongue roughly into his mouth. Hisoka arched up, trying to get the doctor to loosen his hold on him. But the doctor was too strong for the teenager and he stopped struggling, tears streaming down his cheeks. Muraki pulled away and Hisoka spit in his face. The doctor slapped him across his cheek.

Hisoka felt the sting spread across his face and he woke up crying. He shot out of bed, rushing to the bathroom to be violently sick. He was gasping for breath as he threw up. He felt so sick inside.

He washed his face and began to brush his teeth to get rid of the taste of his vomit, when he happened to catch his reflection in the mirror.

On the left side of his face, there was a red handprint. It was beginning to fade, but Hisoka almost choked on his toothbrush when he noticed it. Lifting up a hand to run a finger over the handprint, he noticed his wrist was bruised as well. Quickly checking his other wrist, he saw that was bruised as well.

_It was only a dream dammit_, he shouted inside his head, _then how can I have bruises_? He wondered.

He was afraid to go back to sleep after finishing up in the bathroom so he made himself some coffee and sat on his sofa, staring at the walls. By the time it was morning, he'd had two pots of coffee and his eyes were having trouble focusing on things.

Sunday morning Tsuzuki called to see if he wanted to go out for lunch but Hisoka told him he didn't feel like it. When the man asked if he wanted him to come over to keep him company, Hisoka told him he was just going to catch up on some reading and probably take a nap. Tsuzuki seemed to buy the excuse and told Hisoka he would see him on Monday at work.

After hanging up, Hisoka quickly made another pot of coffee and sat on the floor in his living room next to the sofa. He had to stay awake. He couldn't let himself sleep. If he did, something else could happen in his dreams to hurt him in his reality. His thoughts were swirling around unsorted inside his mind from lack of sleep, his eyelids felt heavy, but he just kept drinking coffee and splashing cold water on his face. The few times he'd felt himself nod off, he'd suddenly jerk awake before he managed to dream.

By Monday, the boy hadn't slept since Saturday. By the following Friday, he was a mess. He couldn't focus on anything, he would jerk at the slightest sound and had trouble keeping up with what people were saying to him.

--

Entering the office they shared, Tsuzuki radiated excitement. He couldn't wait until lunchtime. There was a new cafe opening and he wanted to go there with Hisoka. He looked up to ask Hisoka if they could go, but stopped when he looked at his partner. The empath was staring at the report on his desk. His green eyes wide, the pupils dilated.

The past week, Hisoka drank coffee non-stop. Tsuzuki stared at his young partner. His green eyes weren't as bright as normal. He had dark circles under his eyes and his skin looked really pale. He looked sick. He was worried, it wasn't like Hisoka to look this way. He stood up and walked around the desk to put a hand on the boy's shoulder. Hisoka didn't even flinch.

"Hisoka?" the older male asked.

"Tsu, do you ever dream about being hurt?" Hisoka asked quietly.

"Most of my dreams are about my past or dessert," Tsuzuki replied, or about you, he added silently.

"Do you ever think, we can pull things from our dreams? That they can affect us when we're awake?" the boy continued.

Tsuzuki didn't understand why he was asking this or what he meant, so he just knelt down beside his partner.

"Hisoka, I think you should go home and get some sleep. You're not really making any sense. I can tell Tat..." Tsuzuki started but didn't finish as Hisoka interrupted him.

"I don't want to sleep. There's too much paperwork to do," the teen murmured, he yawned. Hisoka lifted a hand up to cover his mouth and Tsuzuki gasped in shock.

He noticed the bruises on the boy's wrist and he couldn't understand where they could have come from. Shinigami could heal and very rarely were they left with bruises for too long.

"Hisoka, what happened to your wrist?" Tsuzuki asked.

"Hmm?" Hisoka asked, his voice was unfocused and he seemed to waver in his chair.

"Your wrist Soka, what happened to it?" the older man asked again.

Hisoka laughed bitterly.

"Dreams happened, Tsu," the boy replied, he laughed again, tears filling his eyes. He was so tired. He hadn't slept the entire weekend.

"Hisoka, when was the last time you slept?"

Hisoka seemed to think about this, biting on his lower lip, he answered with, "Friday night, with you Tsu. No, that's not right. I slept a little bit on Saturday."

"I'm taking you to see Watari. Something is wrong with you," Tsuzuki lifted the boy into his arms and walked out of the office, heading to the infirmary.


	5. A Desperate Situation

When Tsuzuki brought Hisoka into the infirmary, he put the boy on one of the beds and walked out to get Watari from his lab. He also thought about calling for Tatsumi, but he figured he would do that after Watari had a chance to check Hisoka over.

Watari was shocked when he saw the state the boy was in. He'd never seen him so frazzled before. When Tsuzuki showed him Hisoka's wrist, Watari gasped not understanding how the boy could have sustained bruises. They looked to be at a week old, but they hadn't disappeared as they have seeing the boy was a shinigami.

"Bon, where did you get the bruises on your wrists?" Watari asked.

Hisoka tilted his head, his eyes trying to focus on the man talking to him, but he couldn't see him as everything looked like it was under an watercolor painting and had begun to blend together. Hisoka seemed to be trying to focus on things that weren't there or things only he could see.

"Hisoka, please. You need to tell us where you got the bruises," Tsuzuki asked his partner.

He took one of the boy's hands into his own, squeezing gently to try to get the boy's attention. Hisoka turned his head to look in Tsuzuki's direction.

"Tsu, I am thirsty, could you get me some coffee?" Hisoka asked.

"Iie, you've have enough coffee Soka. We need to know where you got the bruises and why you're not sleeping," the older man asked.

"Since when does bon drink coffee?" Watari asked curiously.

"He started drinking it the other day. He drinks cups of it like it's going to disappear," Tsuzuki told the scientist.

"Where do you think he got the bruises?" the amber eyed scientist asked.

"I don't know. He said something about dreams when I asked him."

"Dreams? What do you think he meant?" Watari asked. He was looking at Hisoka, who had begun to nod off but kept jerking awake.

"I don't know. I didn't understand. But seeing how he looks, I brought him here so you could look him over," Tsuzuki explained.

"Bon, have you been sleeping?" Watari asked loud enough to get the boy to look at him.

"I don't want to sleep. I can't sleep," Hisoka whispered, his green eyes filled with fear.

The two men stared at Hisoka. The boy was breaking down from no sleep for the past two days and they couldn't understand why. Hisoka seemed afraid to sleep. Tsuzuki knew he'd been fine the previous Saturday, so what had happened. All Tsuzuki knew was that suddenly, the teen had started drinking coffee non-stop and he'd apparently hadn't slept in days.

"Watari, why do you think the bruises aren't healing?" Tsuzuki asked.

"I think it's because he hasn't slept. So his body hasn't got the energy to heal them. He's a mess Tsuzuki. I think I am going to have to sedate him," Watari answered.

As soon as Hisoka heard the word 'sedate', he jumped out of the bed screaming.

"No! You can't! I won't let you. It's none of your business if I don't feel like sleeping! Maybe I'm just not tired, ever think about that?" the boy yelled.

The two shinigami looked at him, stunned. They knew Hisoka had a temper but right now he was behaving irrationally. Tsuzuki tried to grab the boy, but Hisoka jumped out of the way. He lost his balance, falling to the floor, he started crying. Tsuzuki rushed over to him, pulling him into his arms.

"Tsu, please don't let him sedate me," the boy begged, sobbing.

"Soka, tell us why you won't sleep. Where'd the bruises come from?" Tsuzuki asked him, holding him close. He looked up at Watari, mouthing the word 'Tatsumi', and was glad when the scientist left the room.

"I can't tell you, I can't tell you because it makes no sense. All I know is that if I sleep, I'll get hurt again," Hisoka told him.

"Get hurt? Soka, please, I don't understand, please talk to me. I love you, you can tell me anything. Baby, please tell me what's wrong," Tsuzuki had tears in his own eyes now and Hisoka heard the catch in the man's voice.

"I dream of Muraki. But I'm there too. And there's another me there, a six year old me," Hisoka whispered.

Tsuzuki opened his mouth to ask the boy a question, but stopped as Watari and Tatsumi entered the infirmary. Tsuzuki stood up, leaning down he lifted Hisoka into his arms. Walking over to the bed, He sat down on it with Hisoka on his lap. The boy was clinging to him and he didn't want to let him go.

"Watari told me about Kurosaki-kun not sleeping. Also about his bruises. Have you managed to get him to tell you about them?" Tatsumi said, he seemed cold, but his sapphire eyes showed concern and worry.

"Only that he's dreaming of Muraki and himself when he was six. He also said that if he sleeps he'll be hurt again," Tsuzuki told the two men.

"I believe he's not healing due to lack of energy from not sleeping. He is wasting away and if he doesn't sleep soon, he could die again. Even shinigami need rest," Watari said.

"Well, Watari is right, he may need to sedate the boy if he refuses to sleep on his own. We will have no other choice," Tatsumi looked at Hisoka, who had begun struggling to pull out of his partner's hold.

"Tsu, please don't let them. I'll sleep. I promise. Please don't let them sedate me, promise me," Hisoka pleaded.

"Soka, please calm down. I won't let them sedate you. But you need to sleep. I'll stay with you," Tsuzuki told the boy.

That seemed to calm the teen down a little. Tsuzuki was worried about Hisoka, as were Watari and Tatsumi. If they didn't find out why the boy wouldn't sleep, why he had bruises, then they would be forced to make him sleep for his own good. His shinigami abilities were being stretched to their limits and his body was starting to break down. The three men looked at the boy. Hisoka had closed his eyes and he was breathing lightly. He'd fallen asleep in Tsuzuki's arms.

Tatsumi turned to Watari, "Keep him here until we find out what's going on and he gets some sleep," the secretary told him.

"I'd like to stay with him if that's alright Watari," Tsuzuki said, the scientist nodded.

"Keep me informed of his condition," Tatsumi said, and walked out of the infirmary, Watari following him out.

Tsuzuki looked down at Hisoka's sleeping face.

"Don't worry baby, I'll find a way to help you, I promise," he whispered to the boy.


	6. Dreaming While Screaming

Tsuzuki didn't understand how a dream could hurt someone in reality. But after the first day in the infirmary, he had left Hisoka to go grab something to eat, when he'd returned boy was screaming. He'd watched in shock as blood had appeared on the boy's lips. Tsuzuki watched as handprints appeared on the boy's neck, as though someone had tried to strangle him.

He'd told Tatsumi and Watari what'd he witnessed and from then on, he'd refused to leave the boy's side. Sleeping in the small bed with the boy curled in his arms. It was uncomfortable, but it was the only way Hisoka could sleep without waking up screaming or hurt.

Watari and Tatsumi didn't understand it either. Neither had ever seen anything like this before. Unless Hisoka told them what the dreams were about, they didn't think they could figure out what was happening enough to help the empath. Hisoka seemed reluctant to talk about what the dreams were about, so the other men were at a loss.

Watari let Hisoka go home two days later. Tsuzuki went with him as Tatsumi had given him time off to take care of Hisoka. The boy would only sleep if Tsuzuki were in the room holding him. Otherwise he'd wake up screaming, covered in bruises. They really couldn't understand how or why this was happening, but Hisoka wouldn't tell them what was happening in his dreams.

A few days after Hisoka had come home, Tsuzuki stood outside the bathroom door while the boy took a bath and changed for bed. Tsuzuki carried the boy to bed, then told him he was going to take a quick shower and he'd join him in bed right after. Hisoka was sitting on the bed, waiting on Tsuzuki. He still wasn't completely feeling rested.so he began to nod off without meaning to.

--

The bed was still in the room, with the child sitting on it. Hisoka noticed only the child was in the room. He sighed a sound of relief. The child looked at him curiously.

"My doctor seems upset with me," the child told Hisoka, he didn't look as though this upset him. He had a small smile on his mouth.

Hisoka walked over and sat on the bed next to his six year old self. The child climbed into Hisoka's lap, wrapping his small arms around the teen's chest, he pressed himself into the older boy's body. Hisoka held him close.

"The doctor says I am going to grow up to become you. Is this true?" the child asked.

"Yes, you are me," Hisoka replied.

"Then I should maybe tell you something about us," the child looked up.

"What's that?"

"You keep coming here, but you haven't realized what here is. Or why I'm here, or even why the doctor shows up," the child searched Hisoka's face, "You won't become better if you don't figure this out."

"Figure this out? Tell me what I need to figure out," Hisoka asked.

The child frowned. It was different from his usual happy self and Hisoka felt sadness that he'd made his younger self sad. The child shifted, straddling the teen's lap, then pushed Hisoka back onto the bed. He leaned over to place a kiss on the youth's cheek.

"I can't tell you why or how. You need to find out for yourself, but," the child looked up, his green eyes became dark, he quickly added, "The doctor is coming. I'll tell you one last thing. You need to give up what you fear most."

Hisoka opened his mouth to ask the child to explain, but Muraki suddenly appeared in the room. The doctor's normally calm face looked angry. Hisoka didn't know what Muraki would be angry about, and he hoped he wouldn't find out. Muraki looked over at the two boys on the bed, the gray eye you could see narrowed.

"Getting cozy with yourself bouya?" the doctor asked.

"Shut up! Why are you here?" Hisoka demanded.

"Ah, again you think you've got the right to make demands. You will never completely learn will you?" Muraki sneered.

He walked over to the boys, and suddenly leaned over them. He pushed the child off of Hisoka, pressing his body against the empath's, he took his lips with his own in a bruisingly cold kiss. Hisoka wrenched his face away, turning his head to the side, but that only gave Muraki access to his neck, which he took advantage of.

Hisoka cringed when he felt the doctor kissing his neck. His tongue licking the little bites he was placing on his throat. He bucked his hips trying to push the doctor off of him only to hear the man laugh and whisper into his ear, "Keep that up and I'll start to think you want a repeat of that night under the cherry tree."

"You son of a bitch! Get off me," Hisoka hissed.

Muraki chuckled, and Hisoka saw the little boy next to him suddenly shoot the doctor a glare. It was the first time he noticed the child behave in a way other than lovingly towards the pale haired doctor.

"Doctor, would you play with me?" the child suddenly asked.

His green eyed gaze drifted to Hisoka, and he smiled at him. Hisoka felt tears well up in his own eyes. He couldn't stand up to this man, but his six year old self could? He suddenly felt like nothing. As though he were truly weak and worthless.

Muraki stopped his sucking on Hisoka's neck to look at the child. He smiled and Hisoka felt cold seep into his bones at the sight. Muraki shifted on top of Hisoka, he placed his hands on the side of the boy and leaned down again to his neck. Hisoka screamed as he felt the doctor's teeth sink into his flesh, he felt the blood well up in the mark, and he suddenly woke up, screaming.

--

Tsuzuki was holding onto Hisoka when he woke up. Screaming with tears streaming down his face. He lifted his hand to touch his neck, pulling it away to see the blood on his fingertips. Tsuzuki looked down at the boy's fingers, his gaze widening as his amethyst eyes travelled up to the teen's neck.

"Hisoka! What happened?!" Tsuzuki asked shocked.

Tears glistened in his own eyes. Something or someone, most likely Muraki since the boy had told him he'd been dreaming about the doctor, was hurting his partner and love in the boy's dreams and he couldn't do anything to stop it. Unless the boy told him what was going on.

"Tsu, I can't take this anymore. I just want it to stop. I couldn't stop myself from falling asleep," Hisoka cried, clutching onto his partner.

"Please tell me what's going on in your dreams. I can't help if you don't let me in," Tsuzuki pleaded with Hisoka.

"Hai, I'll tell you everything. All of it. Please Tsu, please make it stop," the boy continued to cry, until his tears seemed to have run out.

Shuddering, he took a deep breath and opened his mouth to speak.


	7. A Theory Explained

Tsuzuki held Hisoka in his arms while the boy told him everything he'd been dreaming about over the past few weeks. Hisoka had begun to cry again and Tsuzuki tightened his hold on the boy, trying to project comfort to him. Even after the teen had told him what the dreams were about, Tsuzuki still had no answers.

They finally fell asleep, and Hisoka was grateful for Tsuzuki's presence. It was the only time he didn't dream. Being in his partner's arms made him feel safe, and neither Muraki nor the dreams could get to him while he laid in the older man's arms.

The following morning, Tsuzuki teleported both him and the boy to the infirmary to talk to Tatsumi and Watari. The two men listened as Tsuzuki filled them in on what Hisoka told him the dreams were about the night before. Tsuzuki sat on the bed with his partner in his arms, the boy just clung to him as the man told the other two about the boy's dreams.

"Could it be something that Muraki is doing to bon?" Watari asked.

"I'm not sure. He does seem to have a link to Kurosaki-kun. So I would say it wouldn't be illogical to think he's behind these dreams. You did say he has been in every dream right?" Tatsumi asked.

Hisoka nodded.

Tsuzuki tightened his hold on his partner. He seemed afraid suddenly. As though he felt Tatsumi's guess was right. Tsuzuki knew that no matter how tough his partner behaved in front of Muraki, part of him was still the thirteen year old boy under a cherry tree being broken. He was afraid. Tsuzuki reasoned anyone sane would be afraid of the doctor. The purple eyed shinigami shivered and Hisoka looked up at him questioningly. Tsuzuki shook his head and the boy cuddled closer.

Tatsumi had decided to head down to Chijou so he could have a little talk with Muraki to find out if the doctor was behind the dreams. Watari went back to his lab to check on some theories he had about them, which left Tsuzuki and Hisoka alone in the infirmary.

"What do you think he means by giving up what you fear most?" Tsuzuki suddenly asked when Hisoka had finished.

"I fear Muraki most, because I am not strong enough to fight him," the boy in his arms told him. It was the first time he'd ever really voiced this. He was afraid. Because he knew, that man could still hurt him and he could do nothing to stop him.

Hisoka didn't understand his fear of the doctor. He'd stood up to him before, several times. Once on the Queen Camillia and even during Kyoto. But since his and Tsuzuki's relationship had become romantic, Hisoka began to fear the doctor again.

"Tsu, why do you think I'm suddenly afraid of Muraki again?" Hisoka asked.

"I don't know baby, I really don't know," Tsuzuki replied, leaning back on the bed and dragging Hisoka with him.

"Why am I so weak?" the boy sobbed into his chest.

"Hisoka, being afraid doesn't make you weak. It just means there's something you need to deal with to get over. You're one of the strongest people I know. And you will get over this," Tsuzuki leaned his head down to kiss the boy's forehead.

--

Tatsumi returned a few hours later. Hisoka had fallen asleep in Tsuzuki's arms so when the secretary entered the infirmary, Tsuzuki had whispered for the boy to wake up. Watari entered the room a few minutes later with some papers in his hand.

"So what's up Tatsumi?" Tsuzuki asked. He was half dreading, half hoping to hear the answer.

"The Tokyo hospital that Muraki works at said the doctor has been out of town for the past three months. Getting them to tell me where he was took longer than I thought. But I did manage to find him. When I asked him about the dreams, he didn't seem to know what I talking about," the secretary explained.

"He could be lying," Watari chimed in.

"Iie, I watched him while I was talking to him and he really didn't seem to know what I meant. I can only conclude that he is telling the truth. Would be a first, but I don't think he has anything to do with this," Tatsumi explained.

"Then if it's not Muraki, what is doing it?" Tsuzuki asked.

"I think, bon is doing it himself," Watari told them, causing the other three to look at the scientist.

"Watari, do you really think Hisoka would do this to himself?" Tsuzuki asked, his voice incedulous.

"Just hear me out alright? Bon was fine before he and you began dating. As your relationship progessed, the more 'intimate' you two became, the more his dreams turned into what he is experiencing now," Watari explained.

Tatsumi raised an eyebrow and Hisoka started shaking. Tsuzuki shifted so he could hold the boy closer to him, nodding his head for the scientist to go on.

"Think about it. Suddenly, bon is afraid of Muraki. Where as in the past, he's stood up to him. Now, as your relationship has gotten to the point where intimacy is becoming inevitable, he is having dreams where he's being hurt by the man who killed him," Watari went on.

"What about my six year old self? Why am I dreaming about him?" Hisoka suddenly asked.

"I've been thinking about this since Tsuzuki told us what your dreams are about. When Tsuzuki told us that your child self isn't afraid of Muraki, even being affectionate with him, then when he told you about you needing to give up what you fear most, it got me thinking," Watari stopped to take a breath and looked at Hisoka.

"And all this means what?" Tsuzuki asked.

"I believe, bon's child self is the embodiment of his courage and strength, which would make Muraki the embodiment of his fears," the scientist told them.

"So you're saying that I've conjured up an image that I associate with my fears of intimacy and that image is Muraki?" Hisoka seemed as though he didn't believe this.

"Aa, because of what Muraki did to you when you were thirteen, you would naturally associate intimacy with that night. Thinking any future similiar acts would have the same outcome. Since you were so young, your mind is remembering how it felt when Muraki took you that night. You've created an outlet to deal with the fear inside yourself," Watari told him.

"If your theory is true, how can he get over this?" Tsuzuki asked.

"I believe that Kurosaki-kun would have to come to terms with his fears. And somehow merge his child self and Muraki. Right now in his dreams, they are fractured into two beings. If he confronts them for what they are, then he can merge them into one being. Enabling him to deal with his fears. But even so, only he can stand up to what he fears most," Tatsumi explained.

"But why does he sustain injuries when he's dreaming?" Tsuzuki asked.

"His fear is so deeply a part of him, that there isn't anywhere for the hurt and pain to go. When he dreams of himself being hurt, as he fears he will be again, his body takes on the pain in the form of cuts and bruises. This way, his mind doesn't break, as his body is being used as the outlet for the hurt," Watari told him.

"So, he has to dream it again in order to confront it," Tsuzuki murmured.

"Aa, in order to get over it and move past it, he has to deal with what he is afraid of most, and come to terms with what happened to him. Since he was only thirteen, his mind is programmed to think that any intimate act is painful and violent," Tatsumi said.

Hisoka looked up at Tsuzuki, he smiled when the man looked at him. He knew what he had to do. If he were to have a healthy relationship with the man he loved, he needed to confront his dreams, and deal with his fears. He'd only been intimate with one person before, and not by his choice. He had nightmares about that night, but it had never really affected him as it has since he and Tsuzuki had become a couple.

Kissing wasn't a problem for him, but if he felt anything other than just kissing or cuddling, he would pull away, afraid. While his heart told him Tsuzuki wasn't anything like Muraki, that he wouldn't hurt him and if they had sexual intercourse it wouldn't hurt like that night, his mind told him something else.

"I need to sleep. Without you holding me Tsu. I need to deal with this so I can move on. So we can move past this," Hisoka told his partner. Tsuzuki nodded as he disentangled himself from the boy.

The three older men would watch as Hisoka slept. Hisoka laid down in the bed, smiling at Tsuzuki when the man placed a soft kiss on his forehead.

"It'll be alright Tsu. I love you," Hisoka whispered.

"I love you too baby," Tsuzuki whispered back as he watched the teen close his eyes and slowly drift off to sleep.


	8. What You No Longer Fear

"You're back again," the little boy said as soon as Hisoka appeared in the room of mist.

Hisoka nodded, looking around the room, he noticed the bed was gone, as was the doll and the stool. The little child version of himself had been sitting on the floor when he'd appeared, but now he was standing up. The teen watched as the little boy walked over to him, holding up his arms to be picked up.

The empath reached down and took the child into his arms, who wound his small arms around the teen's neck. Hisoka held tightly to the little boy, feeling the child's warm breath on his skin.

"Have you figured it out yet?" the child asked. His voice whisper soft against the teen's flesh.

"I think so. I've created this. You're a part of me that isn't afraid. It's why you can be so affectionate with the doctor," Hisoka told him.

"Does this mean you know what the doctor is then?" the child asked, looking up at him. Green eyes staring into eyes the exact same shade.

"Aa, he is my fear," Hisoka said.

"I knew you would figure it out," the little boy suddenly leaned up and kissed his older self.

"Nice to see you again bouya," Muraki said as he appeared in the room. He glared at Hisoka, his gaze drifting to the child in the empath's arms.

The little boy shifted, and Hisoka put him down on the floor. Muraki held out a hand to the little boy, and the boy ran over to the doctor. The hand came down to slap the child across the face, sending him sprawling onto the floor, but he didn't cry out. Hisoka winced at the red welt on the pale cheek. The teen ran over to the child, wrapping his arms around him.

"It's alright. He's angry because I am not afraid of him. I won't play with him anymore and he is upset," the little boy told Hisoka.

"It's your fault you know bouya. He was mine, but everytime you came here, the stronger he became. I should remind you of your place," Muraki sneered, he started to walk towards the two boys. Hisoka stood up pulling the little boy into his arms, holding him tightly, he yelled,

"I'm not afraid of you!" Hisoka felt the little boy in his arms wrap his arms around his neck, heard the tiny voice whisper in his ear, "I knew you could do it," just before the child faded away. Leaving Hisoka holding nothing.

Muraki suddenly lunged at Hisoka, sending the two of them crashing to the floor. The doctor pinning the teen's arms to his sides. Hisoka tried to kick the man, but he wouldn't budge. The doctor just laughed and leaned down to kiss Hisoka on the mouth. The teen tried turning his face away but the doctor just followed him with his lips pressed to his. The boy screamed in pain as Muraki suddenly bit down on his lower lip, causing blood to rush over his chin.

"Not afraid huh? Think I can change that," Muraki whispered, moving a hand to Hisoka's jeans, he fiddled with the button and Hisoka started to panic, trying to pull away.

When he felt the button on his jeans pop open, and as the doctor begin to slide the zipper down, his mind became flooded with images and voices.

_You need to give up what you fear most_

_I love you too_

_Being afraid doesn't make you weak. It just means there's something you need to deal with to get over_

_I knew you could do it_

Hisoka stopped panicking and looked at Muraki.

"I'm not afraid of you! I will never let you win! My mind created you, so I can destroy you here. This is my world! Mine, and you no longer have a place here! Get off me!" Hisoka shouted.

Muraki's eye widened, and he went to say something, but suddenly, misty tendrils reached out and grabbed hold of him, pulling him off of Hisoka.

The boy stood up, watching as the mist covered the doctor, then dissipated. Leaving only Hisoka alone in the room.

Hisoka smiled, and opened his eyes.

--

Hisoka found himself looking into worried amethyst eyes. He smiled and Tsuzuki smiled back.

"Are you alright Soka?" Tsuzuki asked, taking one of the boy's hands into his own.

"Aa, it's over," Hisoka told him.

Tatsumi and Watari let out sighs of relief. They had been worried as well.

"Arigatou, Tatsumi, Watari," the boy said to them.

"Kurosaki-kun, I'm glad you're feeling better. But take the next two days off to rest up, then I want you back to work," Tatsumi told Hisoka, walking out of the infirmary. Tatsumi had never been one to become too emotional, but Hisoka knew he cared.

"Well, now that you're alright bon, I think I'll get back to my newest experiment," Watari said, walking out behind Tatsumi.

"Are you really alright Hisoka?" Tsuzuki asked when they were alone.

Hisoka leaned up and pressed his lips gently to Tsuzuki's, murmuring, "Aa, I'm alright."

"What happened in there?" the older shinigami asked him.

"I stood up to my fears. They were just about to be realized, but I thought of you and everything you had said and what my child self had told me and I... I stood up to him, to them. And the room covered Muraki up and he disappeared," Hisoka explained.

"I knew you could do it baby," Tsuzuki told him, reaching out to take him into his arms.

"Hmm, you know, my child self told me that exact thing," the empath said, wrapping his arms around his partner.

"Really?" the man asked.

"Aa, right before he faded away. Tsu, take me home?" Hisoka whispered.

Tsuzuki stood up, lifting Hisoka into his arms, he teleported them to the boy's apartment. When he went to put the boy down, Hisoka shook his head.

"Let's go to the bedroom. I want to be with you," the boy told him.

"Soka, are you sure you're ready? I can wait you know" Tsuzuki asked, he didn't want the boy to do anything he wasn't ready for.

"I'm ready. I'm no longer afraid and I want to be with you," Hisoka replied, his lips trailing over Tsuzuki's neck.

Tsuzuki carried the boy down the hallway to his bedroom and carefully laid him down on the bed. Laying down next to him, he whispered, "I love you Hisoka."

"I love you too Tsu. Arigatou for waiting for me," the boy whispered back, wrapping his arms around his partners neck and pulling his head down to kiss him.

"I would have waited forever for you," Tsuzuki replied, kissing him back.

"Make love me to Tsu," Hisoka said, moaning as his partner's hands began pushing his shirt up, his fingers caressing the soft flesh.

"With pleasure baby," Tsuzuki whispered.

Hours later, Hisoka wondered why he could have ever been afraid to be with Tsuzuki this way. When the sun began streaming through the curtains, Hisoka rolled on top of his lover and kissed him and they began again. Neither afraid of anything.


End file.
